Months

For months, I've struggled to come to terms with this reality. This is what I know - pregnancy won't come easy to me. I won't see a beautiful pair of lines on a pee stick. The twinges and aches that I feel each month occur randomly and aren't a much desired symptom. I will never be pregnant. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help feel that becoming a mother is completely out my reach.



Each month has become a bit easier. These days, I don't completely lose it when my period arrives. I shed a few tears, and then move on. My husband is much more postive than I am. He seems to think that these things happen for a reason


Tomorrow marks my first RE appointment. My carefully jotted notes include my 17 month journey of short periods, little to no cervical mucus along with no pregnancies to date. I feel like my body is incapable and am beginning to think that my negative attitude has had an impact on my ability to have the baby that I want so badly.

Update:

Yesterday's visit to the RE was less stressful than I imagined it would be. My doctor was shocked by how young I appeared to be (I word a hoodie and my favorite Pumas). An intern sat in for our consult. He seemed impressed that I came prepared with a list of questions.

Next cycle, I'll have an HSG and blood testing on Day 3. He mentioned Clomid and an IUI as a first step if my test results are inconclusive. My short cycles seemed to be an area of concern. Regardless of the outcome, I'm relieved to be proactive in this process.

A dear friend who recently moved away sent me an email today:

i also wanted to tell you that hubby and i found out we are having another baby. it was unexpected but we are excited (and nervous). i know that with all you have been going through it may not be the most easy news to hear from a friend, so please do not feel obligated to be overly excited :) i just wanted you to know before we tell others.

Her email broke my heart - not because I'm devasted that yet another friend is pregnant, but because in her joyous moments of learning that she is pregnant again, she thought of how I may react to her news. I'm so touched that she thought of me but I'm devastated that I've become that person - the sad, pathetic girl who can't have a baby. I don't want to be that girl, but is that who I am?