Months

For months, I've struggled to come to terms with this reality. This is what I know - pregnancy won't come easy to me. I won't see a beautiful pair of lines on a pee stick. The twinges and aches that I feel each month occur randomly and aren't a much desired symptom. I will never be pregnant. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help feel that becoming a mother is completely out my reach.



Each month has become a bit easier. These days, I don't completely lose it when my period arrives. I shed a few tears, and then move on. My husband is much more postive than I am. He seems to think that these things happen for a reason


Tomorrow marks my first RE appointment. My carefully jotted notes include my 17 month journey of short periods, little to no cervical mucus along with no pregnancies to date. I feel like my body is incapable and am beginning to think that my negative attitude has had an impact on my ability to have the baby that I want so badly.

Update:

Yesterday's visit to the RE was less stressful than I imagined it would be. My doctor was shocked by how young I appeared to be (I word a hoodie and my favorite Pumas). An intern sat in for our consult. He seemed impressed that I came prepared with a list of questions.

Next cycle, I'll have an HSG and blood testing on Day 3. He mentioned Clomid and an IUI as a first step if my test results are inconclusive. My short cycles seemed to be an area of concern. Regardless of the outcome, I'm relieved to be proactive in this process.

A dear friend who recently moved away sent me an email today:

i also wanted to tell you that hubby and i found out we are having another baby. it was unexpected but we are excited (and nervous). i know that with all you have been going through it may not be the most easy news to hear from a friend, so please do not feel obligated to be overly excited :) i just wanted you to know before we tell others.

Her email broke my heart - not because I'm devasted that yet another friend is pregnant, but because in her joyous moments of learning that she is pregnant again, she thought of how I may react to her news. I'm so touched that she thought of me but I'm devastated that I've become that person - the sad, pathetic girl who can't have a baby. I don't want to be that girl, but is that who I am?

Almost Thirty

In less than a week, I will turn thirty. Thirty was my benchmark. I always knew that I would be a mother by the time I turned thirty. When it became clear last Spring that I would not be a mother by 1/8/2009, I altered my "dream" to settling to at least being pregnant by the time I turned thirty. No such luck. I'm on Cycle 15 or 16, I think, and I have absolutely no hope that I will ever get pregnant without assistance.

All around, women are conceiving and giving birth to their beautiful children. I've tried to articulate my struggles to some of my friends, but in the end, I don't think one can truly understand this predicament unless they've been here themselves. I feel like my life is temporarily on hold until I find the answers that I seek.

Starting Over

The bitch arrived yesterday, early and uninvited, only twenty-two days after she visited last. What the fuck. We've been unofficially trying to conceive since last July. I've never been on birth control so I thought that I get pregnant immediately. No such luck. Meanwhile, three of my closest friends are expecting and about ten acquaintances are. It is going to be a rough 2008!


Deep down, I know that something is not right, either with me or my husband, or both. Shit needs to get done this month....meaning that I made an appointment with a highly recommended Ob-Gyn and my husband must get a sperm analysis this month. No more waiting.

Introduction

After months of perusing pregnancy and infertility blogs, I've decided to document my journey - primarily because I've reached a point of complete frustration and am not sure who or where to turn to.